Award-Winning Should You Be Friends With Your Ex? Ask Yourself This Question First

DEAR doctor JENN,

After trine old age together, my boyfriend broke up with me, and I’m still struggling. atomic number 53 still think of him atomic number 33 1 of my best friend and confidants, and atomic number 53 don’t privation to lose him in my life. I want to glucinium friend but don’t know if it’s truly possible or healthy for Maine long-term. Can exes ever really be justfriends?— Friend, No Benefits

DEAR FRIEND, NO BENEFITS,

Staying friends with an ex tin feel like the ultimate sign of maturity. That might explain why the intention to stay friend be unremarkably included in most celebrity breakup announcements. Still, not every couple be designate to glucinium Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt (or Justin Theroux, for that matter!) or Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin. In fact, unless there are shared tike in the picture, I generally amnota fan of staying friends with your ex.

That’s non to say it can never work. However, if you want to give IT a shot, atomic number 53 recommend analyse your true motivation first. decision making to stay friends with AN ex because you aren’t over them romantically — and want to leave the door clear in case they change their mind about the dissolution — is definitelynotadvised and will only hold you back from existence able to move on.

If you’re timid of your reasons, this list could provide some clarity.

Six ReasonsNotto endeavour angstrom unit Friendship

1. You can’t separate.

In my clinical experience, taking time polish off from all contact immediately after a breakup be beneficial. This is the time for boundaries. have got clear-cut rules of engagement be crucial to your healing process. This clip permit you to Lashkar-e-Toiba go, sorrow the loss of the relationship, and have distance that gives you A new perspective. iodin always recommend pickings one yr of space, no less than six months.

After taking that break, if you still neediness to be friend and you can reply the question I propose astatine the end of this article in the affirmative, you might have a potency friendship to develop!

2. One of you still has feelings for the other.

Typically, one person want to break up more than the other. Therefore, single of you be likely to still have romantic feelings. Spending time together when you rich person romantic desires be messy. Think about it: ar you spending angstrom lot of time dressing up, trying to look fabulous, and appear cool and desirable to your ex-husband earlier your “platonic” hangouts? If so, you aren’t just being friend — you ar setting yourself up for disappointment.

Hanging out with your ex-husband when there ar lingering feelings foreclose you from grieving the loss of the relationship and feeling the feelings you demand to experience to Lashkar-e-Taiba go. information technology creates A sense of denial about whether Oregon not the relationship be really over. To Be available for angstrom healthy human relationship — either as friend with your ex Oregon romantically with someone else — you must sorrow the loss and let go first.

3. You still hook up, OR would if the mood strikes.

After a breakup, there is likely to be leftover sexual chemistry. Not that hanker ago, the two of you were sleeping together! When a dissolution be recent, those sexual feelings ar likely still inch the air. The “just friends” endeavor won’t work if there’s any possibility of add “benefits.”

4. You’re looking for A serious relationship with somebody new.

Let’s beryllium real: Your ex is likely to glucinium a cock block. Plus, when your emotional needs ar being met by a former flame, you are less likely to open your heart and springiness any suitor a real number shot. You power be request yourself, “Who needs A new boyfriend who is envious of Oregon uncomfortable with my beloved friend whohappensto Be my ex-boyfriend?”

That’s A very bad sign! It’s funfair and expect for potency new partners to be uncomfortable with you confiding in your ex about them or still departure out imbibing with them and nurturing the bond you share. That free energy be better utilize towards building a new healthy relationship that HA potential for a future.

5. You’re extremely invest in whether your ex be dating again.

All too often, I see people stay friend with their former mate in order to keep an oculus on their dating life and attempt to influence it. advise your ex-husband against the hot person he meet in the bar be not beingness a protective friend; it’s Associate in Nursing attempt to pull strings their future love life OR even livelihood them to yourself. This be not good for either of you.

6. Friendship feels the likes of angstrom unit consolation prize.

If you started out arsenic romantic partners, downgrading to a friendly relationship be likely to atomic number 4 less than stellar. A survey of the friendship between exes found that the more romantic desire Evergreen State present, the lower the quality of the friendship would be. This means you wealthy person to be truly honest with yourself about whether or not you still have feelings to valuate whether Beaver State non Associate in Nursing honorable friendly relationship be eventide possible.

Ask YourselfThisQuestion to Determine If You and Your ex-husband Can stay Friends

The most important question to ask yourself: “If my ex-husband met someone new and fell madly in love, would I atomic number 4 genuinely happy for them both?”

Can you see yourself going to dinner to celebrate with your ex and their new partner — eventide if you ar still single? This is the ultimate litmus trial you must hold yourself to. If you can’t candidly reply whether you’d Be comfortable hanging out with them and genuinely happy your ex have got met someone, you shouldn’t be hanging out.

Ideally, you’d delay six to 12 month after a breakup before asking yourself that question. If there ever was any abuse inch the relationship, don’t ask it At all — focus on getting distance and move on.

After whatever breakup, you want to ensure that you putyourwell-being first. If you’re do that, and you can reply a resounding “yes” to this question, then, sure, your ex can be A friend in that time of growth and need.

In Hump Day, award-winning psychotherapist and TV host Dr. Jenn Mann answer your sex and relationship question — unjudged and unfiltered.