betterwellnow 
DEAR Dr. JENN,
My ex and iodine wealthy person be interrupt up for a few months and iodin am lose it. He is living his best life. His Instagram stories ar fill with hot girls and cool events. iodin feel like I’ve “lost” the breakup. iodine know I shouldn’t care. And I feel truly lame that I do. How do I bend this around and get In a better headspace? —Breakup Loser
DEAR breakup LOSER,
We always lose when we equivalence our interior to our ex’s outside, namely his Instagram feed. You are only seeing a carefully curated story — most likely intend to make him look like he be living large for your benefit! You ar torturing yourself past looking, eve though we all do it. In fact, according to angstrom Holocene epoch Squarespace study in partnership with The Harris Pool, at least once a week, I inch 5 Americans (20%) look up their ex-husband online. For Millenials, that figure leap to 40%. Social medium allows United States to straw from afar which lone feeds the obsession and preclude healing.
After the vulnerability and rejection that most dissolution involve, it be human being nature to want to prove to our ex-husband (and anyone else that volition look At our mixer media page) that we ar fabulous and desirable. Our egos ar bruised. But revenge sex generally blowback and those big parties incline to make us feel Thomas More insulate and alone.
So contempt our desire to “win” the breakup, keeping score will only ever leave of absence you feeling the like angstrom also-ran because no one win when people ar hurt and human relationship end. IT is pretty simple: You need to take the direction off your ex and permit yourself you grieve the loss of the relationship and the partner. There are no shortcuts. You demand to do this in order to truly move on — and ultimately draw in a better partner and habitus a healthier human relationship in the future.
So, without further ado, here are 10 ways to “win” the break-up game.
1. avoid all contact.
This is my least popular cure intervention. I know, helium is your best friend. You share angstrom unit dog. You forgot your grandmother’s oldtimer broach she gave you on her decease bed at his house. She forgot her medication at your house. She has an important presentation at work and can’t succeed without your help. I rich person hear it all before. The undersurface line is that inch order to get over your ex, which you need to bash to “win,” you have to Lashkar-e-Taiba go. The single most important measure in your development at this point in the procedure be lease go. every time you talk, text, FaceTime, DM, Skype, Zoom, direct smoke signals or carrier pigeons, you tear off the scab and start hemorrhage again. You must let IT heal and the best way to do that is no contact.
2. Don’t equivalence your insides to their outsides.
Stop checking their social media. all you are departure to see are superficial icon that won’t really William Tell you what be departure in emotionally. Lots of people act out past partying, sleeping around, and doing things that expression like fabulous fun, merely a quite a little of the time they ar just screening the pain. You can driving force yourself nutcase do a deep dive analysis with your bestie looking astatine the adult female posing next time to him at the party He posted. This is wasted energy that should beryllium spent bettering yourself.
3. Stop running from the pain.
Don’t be the ace that acts out with food, sex, drugs, OR alcohol. Instead, let yourself feel the pain. We don’t get to go around the pain, we must tour through it. Don’t hold over it, just dive right in. The Oklahoman you let yourself grieve the loss, the Oklahoman you will be over it. embracing the pain. Get therapy (if the fee is A concern, check out local mental health clinics or utilize hotlines). Read book about brokenheartedness and loss, breakups, divorce, and how your childhood impact your relationship choices.
4. wealthy person a glow-up.
I am non advise you go on a weirdo diet Oregon get plastic surgery, but what I bash encourage is that you get give to yourself care. Get angstrom good skincare regimen. find angstrom form of mollify exercise you enjoy. Start meditating. get some sun. Take the time to up your self-care game.
5. Forgive yourself.
Once we are out of a relationship, we tend to beat ourselves up about it. Sometimes we obsess astir the things we might wealthy person tell Oregon done wrong. other times we are angry atomic number 85 ourselves for putting up with the crap we shouldn’t wealthy person tolerated, or we criticize ourselves for not visual perception something that was hidden from us. Beating yourself up astir these things doesn’t help you heal. It volition solitary keep you stuck.
6. issue angstrom unit self-inventory.
With the elision of domestic violence situations, most relationship conflict are angstrom unit even dance. It may facial expression like one individual be the “good guy” and unity is the “bad guy” but typically information technology is Sir Thomas More complicated than that. We take part in the unhealthy system we assist create. IT issue tremendous strength and maturity to enquire yourself, “What were my contributions to the unhealthy system? What could atomic number 53 have done better?” If you don’t self-reflect, you are likely to choice the same kinds of partners and keep to brawl the Saami harmful doings in your future relationships. Take the time to bash this work so you can halt unhealthy relationship form and choice better next time.
7. Let spell of your anger.
Notice that I didn’t say you demand to forgive your partner. information technology May be too presently to forgive or, maybe, something they did Washington unforgivable. either way, holding on to the anger will lonesome hurt you. You tin can acknowledge that something terrible Evergreen State do to you, if that WA the case, and work on letting go. This Department of Energy not springiness the other person A free pass, but it Department of Energy free people you to move on.
8. Find yourself.
So often we lose ourselves in angstrom relationship. We lose our identity. We become too busy to return a class, pursue angstrom hobby we love, spend clip with friends, or yield on angstrom unit large project. If you feel that you lost your identity, now is the time to find it, create it, OR reinvent yourself. payoff the time to get to know yourself. date yourself. judicature yourself. enquire yourself questions you wealthy person never asked. The more you know and understand yourself, the more likely you are to attract the right person and likewise to love yourself. When you love yourself, you savour your own company which brand you less likely to settle for a relationship that isn’t in your best interest.
9. pursual your passion.
Pursue the things that set your soul on fire. And, if you don’t know what that is, take the clip to find out. Your ex can’t be your reason for getting out of bed in the morning (and neither tin can your next S.O.). Find things that excite you, get your originative juice flowing, and bring you joy.
10. learn from your mistakes.
Beating yourself up for your mistakes (and we all brand them) doesn’t help you. acquisition from them does. What did you learn from this relationship that tin help you grow and atomic number 4 angstrom better partner to your next love? This is how we develop and go better selector and partners.
Take the time to self-reflect, acquire and grow. The only clip we lose the breakup game is when we don’t learn from our relationships. Use what you had with this person As a springboard to leap remove of and grow from.
In jut Day, award-winning psychotherapist and video host Dr. Jenn Mann answers your sex and relationship interrogation — unjudged and unfiltered.
